][.sraet.][

hello bloggy!

if you know me well enough, you will be able to understand today's post title.
it is hurting.
tt dream was so vivid tt i almost woke up in tears.
i had been in tears every moment tt i can be alone n think about it.
it will haunt me for life.
one day, i will look back and ask myself once again, why am I making this decision?
who would have thought tt this day will come?

tml will be the first time tt i officially break e news.
i know, i no longer matter.
but those moments of craving to be back in tt no. 10 jersey.
those moments where you held me by e court and gave me e faith to play.
those moments which you encouraged me and pushed me on to believe in myself.
those moments when you grabbed me from the bench and pushed me on to a sub.
those were the moments.
with the torn in my knee.
all these moments are gone.
and i will be gone.
gone from a team tt i nv thought i will leave, till i won a champion for you.
damm those moments.
it brings so much pain to me now.

damm it.

take gd care every1! =]

][.10.fe.15.][
][.niap.][

][.fe, stop it.][

][.fe, stop it.][

this is killing me from within.
every moment of convincing myself.
every moment of crying it all out.
i need to stop crying.
but i just can't.

it hurts so much that nothing apart from tears can express.
nothing.
there's really nothing that can make this pain lessen.
i don't wanna be down.
but i am quite certain i am in e deepest pit one can ever find.

every day, every moment of silence, every single thing that triggers it,
i would wonder why? why now?
why?
why?
why?
歇斯底里的痛哭。
这是第一次，没人能治愈这痛处。

how am i supposed to get through this?
how am i going to?

i feel so sorry towards all that had been here with me.
but this is beyond words.
every one has their own story.
and this story is too pain for me to bear.
i can withstand all the heartbreaks but this is more than that.
this is devastating.

][.10.fe.15.][
][.brace up.][

][.哭着睡着，哭着醒来.][

][.哭着睡着，哭着醒来.][

哭着睡着，哭着醒来。
哭，似乎成了唯一能减轻我的痛的方法。
但是越哭越痛。
我快哭疯了。
泪流不止。
心碎到极点。
在这样下去，我一定会疯。
我需要找会自己。
找回真正快乐的自己。

][.10.fe.15.][
][.快疯了.][

][.14/9/11 - 20/9/11.][

][.14/9/11 - 20/9/11.][

it had been a tough week.
it really had been.
emotional upheavals.
optimism being built up and lost each day.
this is draining.



it's confirmed.
acl complete tear.
i am just thankful that it's only acl and not mcl and meniscus is going to recover on its own.
i am just thankful that through it all, i have my ever supportive family, moi, 5-yr-old, roomie, my ntu team mates, coaches and bear.
i am just thankful that they are here for me.

it's not easy.
it really isn't.
allow myself some down time.
but i don't want to wallow in self-pity.
sadness can and must be overcome.
there must come a day where i must be able to put down the thought that it's ok.
this two seasons don't matter to me thou it means almost everything that i had been working for for the past-i-don't-know-how-long.

knowing that i can't be back for ivp is really a blow.
a big big blow.
dear knee, why?
why now?
i don't wanna ask why me?
i am ready to take all these.
but why? why now?
我很累。
真的很累。
乐观得累了。
坚强得累了。
假装无所谓得累了。
但，我更讨厌自我可怜的自己。
所以我要用最多的力量重新爬起来。
这真是我整个篮球生涯中最痛的一刻。
但，我庆幸在我的生命中，一切仍是美好的。
若我再次脆弱，请原谅我。
给我多点时间。
因为，这次真的跌得很重，很痛。

][.10.fe.15.][
][.哭累了就睡.][

][.夜晚是最脆弱的时刻.][

][.夜晚是最脆弱的时刻.][

又到了夜晚。
到了最软弱的时刻。
今天忙了一整天。
让自己不去想。
明天将看医生。

negative thoughts please deplete yourself.
down moments please get out of my life.
i hate living in such self-pity moments.
i hate tearing at the thought of it.
i hate such a weak me.

i need to be zen.
i need to really smile.
i need to really be ok.
i need to be able to be more than ok.
i need to stop all these.

ps. thanks to all that had been here through these days. <3

][.10.fe.15.][
][.mood swings.][

][.Leg Spoil,Brain Spoil, Heart Spoil.][

][.Leg Spoil,Brain Spoil, Heart Spoil.][

快疯了。
心碎最痛，这就好像胫骨断裂，没有人看得到，但每次呼吸都会痛 。
每刻一静下就会想哭。
每刻一想起就想哭。
哭到心碎了，累了就去睡。
讨厌如此软弱的自己。
但，真的很怕，很心碎。
不能不去想。
只希望。。。

][.10.fe.15.][
][.pain maximum.][

][.Give me some time.][

][.Give me some time.][

hey bloggy! i should not be here at this hour.
i should be studying for my quiz.
but there's nowhere else that i can think of expressing how i feel.
it's been so long so long since i feel so pain.

it's been so long so long since i feel so helpless and speechless.
it feels so bad that i just wish to go on a trip alone for the next few days.
all by myself.

injured my knee and ankle.
good news amidst everything = knee is ok apart from acl n lcl strain.
but the flexibility is not there.
friends who truly care is helping me max.
and i call these my true friends who knock senses into me at this pt of time.
they are trying their best to convince me not to play.
i am absolutely thankful for my team mates.
really really thankful.

i understand tt i should not be stubborn.
i understand tt if i wasn't in my shoes, i will definitely do all i can to stop tt team mate from playing too.
but now here i am.
the person in these shoes.
these f-ing shoes.

if i disappear for these 2days or so, don't worry.
i just need some time alone.
sorry to cost you all so much worry and headache.

just give me sometime alright?
some time without thinking about all these.
all i ask for is some time to let me heal.
let me heal emotionally and physically.
meanwhile, let's go team! go get it down! =]

][.10.fe.15.][
][.away.][

][.crushed.][

当让你快乐的事变成了让你难过的事，你还会有勇气继续下去吗？

it's really hard to make a decision, when you are too tired to hold on, but too in love to let go.

i m ultra tired now.
all ready to let go.
cz this aint the game i love anymore.

had the greatest fall.
the most amount of tears.
n this is not worth it.

it's nt worth it.
so goodbye to all my heartbreaks.
goodbye to all the internal pain.
i will never forget e pain.

i tried.
n this is enough.
don't cry becoz it's over.
smile becoz it happened.

i will smile n let you know when all is finalized.
for now, pray for me.
n keep me safe n strong. =]

][.10.fe.15.][
][.这一次，说真的算了.][

][.think,think,think.][

][.think,think,think.][

hello everybody!
i m back from manila! =]]
got a chance w e 7th seaba.
something i will always remember.
there's always something worth remembering each trip. =]

everything tt won't kill me will only make me stronger.
there's something weighing in my heart.
a decision to be make.
a very serious one.
deep deep thoughts needed.

whichever it is..
love my family n love forever5!





ok! take gd care every1!
rest well! nitez =]
it's gg to be back to reality tml!
face it! =]]

][.10.fe.15.][
][.decision.][

][.have u?.][

][.have u?.][

累，但是睡不着。
痛，但是说不出口。
想哭，但是哭不出来。

感觉整个人没力了。
好像就快瓦解了。

比赛，不是你赢，就是我输。
我们输了。
谁比较好，比较想赢就得到了胜利。

比赛就是这样。
明年再来。
失败并不代表不会再成功。

谢谢所有支持我们的朋友和家人。

晚安大家！
今晚会是很长的一夜。

][.10.fe.15.][
][.we win as a team, lose as a team.][

][.Get Away!.][

][.Get Away!.][

in 7 hours, i am getting away!

e get away was a plan to get away from the routine of just training non-stop.
but now, it serves another purpose.
i will use it to get away from the volcano eruption and let things cool down 1st.
stay strong jing n fungi!
moi n me will be back and we will face all this together.

take gd care every1!
bye!
esp fungi n jing! take gd care *hugs*

when you cry till you have no more strength to cry anymore.
that's when you know, you need a break.
it breaks my heart to see them so sad.
we are in this together.

ok..off for the trip.
will not bring too much emotions over.
it's not fair to affect others. =]
let's go sh,ling,sheryl and moi!
let's have a gd trip!

][.10.fe.15.][
][.take a break.][

][.oh my 老天爷!.][

][.oh my 老天爷!.][




oh my 老天爷!
are you teaching my legs to revenge on one another?
cz after the right recovered.
e left is nw injured.
tired.
completely.
it's like taking half a step forward and a complete 2 steps back.
i guess this is a sign for e body to take a break.

thankfully tt there's a meet up with llz.
ip man2 and a short ketchup is =].
compared to staying at home and stone with e swelling ankle.
this is really needed.
thanks loads llz =]
n we will cross 2 finishing line tgt! 42.195. here we come!

roars.
pls let it get well soon!
pls let it be fine.
don't be anything serious.
3days ok ankle.
i give u 3 days.
thou e sound i heard when it first twisted is really nt too gd.

but compared to other things,
this is really ok.
was on e train today.
n it came to a halt.
e chao ta smell frm the emergency breaking came into e cabin.
very silly.
but tt moment, i really tot tt i m gg to die.
n wanted so much to call my parents.
but it was undergrd.
i guess its a reminder ba!
that u haf to =] n cherish everyday.
don't let things get u down.
cz nth is more valuable than being able to stay alive and cherish each day.
so smile every1!
minus e =[ and add e =].
we can do it de.
从内心真正的笑。

ok! take gd care every1!
shall go cheer myself up!
Bye~~

][.10.fe.15.][
][.legs,is this a silent protest?=].][

][.when things go the left way.][

][.when things go the left way.][

when things go the left way.
you just have to smile and wait for the right turn.
i will learn, to be stronger.

today is really not a gd day.
had not cried so hard for so long.
felt so silly to cry there.
but it really hurts within.

one thing tt can make me cry over.
i will work harder.
n pick up frm here.
frm where i fell.

it's nt tt i had nt encountered it.
it's just pain.
thanks loads to zl,cynthia, llz, cindy coach and moi.
thanks loads.
i swear, to never ever drop a tear over tt anymore.
but for tonight, just let em be.
roars! i will be ok =]
no worries!

ok! take gd care every1!
bye~

][.10.fe.15.][
][.i will be ok.][

][.Take each day, one at a time.][

][.Take each day, one at a time.][



with reports being settled one after another,
the madness with work is coming to an end.
n the study madness is just about to begin!
one last report - cs818.
n i m off to my mad mugging.

realli love how i get to study on e train rides back from trng. =]
cough ain't getting better.
but i shall be guai n stop drinking cold drinks.
so may e weather be gd tml!
n may i not get choked suddenly.
e many instances of sudden choke n cough is jus mad.
i even prepared a plastic bag in times tt i cannot rush to e toilet in time.

went to trng today.
it's physically fit yet unfit.
wanted to do much more.
but e air just can't reach e lungs.
somehow it's stucked.
thanks to coach for sparing me frm all e runs.
got a super tight calf which caused me to limped all e way back here.
for tt moment, i was realli afraid tt it wuld be e knee.
thankfully, it's not =]
just let it recover soon ba lao tian ye!

e song on my playlist for these days - 忘了哭 (jacky cheung)
haha no idea why too.
maybe it's the "pride" vid ba =]
"footprints in the sand" is also v nice.

that reminds me of something..
write the good things tt ur friend had done for you on e stone so that it will be carved and remembered forever.
write all the times tt u all disappoint each other in e sand so that it will be blown away by the wind.
same for everything.
happy thing = on e stone.
sad thing = on e sand.

i will choose to write down everything tt happened too late n sad, on e sand.
so tt it will be taken away by the wind.
cz the moment had passed.
n e words came too late.
let's keep the happy moments on e stone. =]

ok!
shall go off to do my last report.
n start full blast on studying!
n sometimes, i really cannot imagine my life without basketball. =]
and "The climb" is really a v nice song.

][.10.fe.15.][
][.fight hard!.][

][.Status: Ultra tired and pain.][

][.Status: Ultra tired and pain.][

super tired.
that's all i can say.

super pain.
that's all i can say.

super shag.
that's all i can say.

keep going.
that's all i can tell myself.

good nite ppl!
rest well!
nitez =]

][.10.fe.15.][
][.for u, for myself..i will keep trying!.][

][.it was on e verge.][

][.it was on e verge.][

status: cooled down
ytr was realli quite sad de =X
lost to hall6.
felt super wu nai n fed up with myself =X

shall not let this happen for ivp!
wanna get into e nxt round!
go ntu! go go go!!
i believe in u guys! =D

hao la..end here le..take gd care every1! byee..
i miss forever5 =X
first countdown without em in years =X

haha n jus some random pics of x'mas =P





][.10.fe.15.][
][.but..held it back.][

][.i can't stop it.][

][.i can't stop it.][

after so many days of telling myself that if i m unhappy,
that's only my own fault,
there's no1 i can blame.

if i m sad,
that's my own fault,
becoz it's me who allow myself to be sad.

but at this v moment,
i can't take it anymore,
n tears fell.

i feel like my communication system is breaking down.
why is it that whatever msg that i wanna convey,
it would always end up e other way?

2 person that matters to mi,
n yet when i try to get e msg across,
i jus failed,
n e wrong idea is given.

both of the cards to em lay there lying in my files for days.
to e 1st one,
my heart sank, n i tink it's time to give up after ur persistent refusal to reply.
it's not ya fault,
i noe it's mine.
i noe it's becoz of my words.
i knew that it was gg to hurt to lose a friend in you.
i knew that u wuld nv be e 1 to salvage.
however, this is e 1st time tt u refuse to respond no matter how i try to salvage.
maybe that's e best way out.
many moments when my thoughts drift away,
when memories appear, i wuld jus stone for a moment.
i do regret.
but maybe that's meant to be.
maybe we r too different to be best of friends.
allow mi to stone n tink abt e past.
when i m completely ready to let go,
i would cut e card n throw it away.
but for now, let mi keep e tinge of hope n keep it in my file.
n u will always be my special friend.

to e 2nd one,
i m sorry.
e card is still lay there lying in my file n brought ard w mi everywhere.
there r many things i dun und.
but i tink tt's jus my stupid-ness that caused mi to tink so much.
do u noe why i wanna meet u tt day to get back my file?
that's becoz i wanna pass u sumthing.but i din get e chance.
sorry.
but to e 2nd special friend,
rest assured, e card wuld always lay there lying in my file till e day u r free to meet mi.
n i m sorry if i hurted u in any way.

n tears cont to fall n blur my vision.
i nd a shoulder to lean on now.
i m tired.

][.10.fe.15.][
][.n it hurts.][

][.stone.][

][.stone.][

listened to e same song over n over again..
hybernate at e library right after sch..
every moment tt i m not doing work..
i wuld recall abt e harsh words tt i said to u..
i wuld regret it..
sighs..
it's been so long since we realli talked..
ytr was e day..
n yet i ruin it..
i m sorry..
i realli m..
i realli wanna let u rant abt all e probs tt u faced in work recently..
but..
i dunno wad went wrong w mi..
was realli angry tt u made mi wait for nth..
realli was..n hence threw my temper..
cz i believe u wuld too..
haiz..if onli i held it bac as always..
is dis revenge?..
heaven's punishment to me for treating sum1 else this way?..
i guess it is...
n it hurts..
but wad shuld i do?..
i dunno..
i realli dunno wad to say..
jus let me stone..=[

n once again..thanks llz..e random msges despite u being so tired is realli appreciated..=] as always..u made mi smile at e hp after stoning at it for so long..hoping for a impossible reply..=

hao la..end here le..take gd care every1! byee..

][.10.fe.15.][
][.n a tear fell.][

][.fool.][

][.fool.][

maybe it's e pressure.
maybe it's mi being emo.
maybe.

but i jus can't stop e tears.
tml is econs test.
but i haf no mood for it at all.

i feel like a fool.
throwing temper at u.
den apologising to u for it.

i realli feel like a fool.
why do i always try to salvage e situation after worsening it.

switched off my hp.
cz i tink i m realli tired.
tired of myself being such a fool.

hate myself for being so bad tempered.
why.
hate it.

n mi lu bing's songs are so sad.
v suited for nw.

i need to stop being a fool.
no more tears.

take gd care every1!
bye.

][.10.fe.15.][
][.这些眼泪我无所谓.][

][.its over?.][

][.its over?.][

its over? i guess it is..
i finally asked wad i always wanted to..
jus wad m i to u?..
i knew tt it's gonna end up like this..
in this disastrous state..
but i can't take it anymore..
can't take e way things go anymore..

i m sorry..
dere's sum misunderstandings..
i dun meant it tt i dun wan u to find mi..
i wanna be dere for u too..but i jus can't take it when u seems to take it so for granted..
i dun mind u throwing ya temper..
seriously dun mind..
but nt in dat way my friend..

hmm..i guess it's over..jus take care of yaself n thanks for all e wonderful memories tt u had given mi over e yr..i noe tt i can't let go..but..i dunno wad to do nw..jus take care..

][.10.fe.15.][
][.status: failure.][